Exploring Judaism

06:43 pm - Worries

Worry about staying warm - do we try and scrape enough money for firewood or worry about paying for propane when our increased usage raises our rates later? What about the mushy brakes on the car? A much needed tuneup? New shoes to go with my homemade and thrift store clothes?

Now the washer isn't working right.

Some very good news and some worrying news in the Yahoo group - Aing came on and posted tonight. She's conscious and aware. Still not out of the woods if I read between the lines right. Thankfully there's wireless in her hospital.

Worrisome news: R** has been called up to the Gaza border. HaShem, see him home safe.

Jews are not a race, Jews are a family (mishpachah) Jacob Lauterbach

Do justice, love mercy and walk humbly before G-d = Jewish, Micah

06:12 pm - I remember

Next holiday coming up (aside from the secular New Year and a fast) is Tu Bi Sh'vot - the New Year of the Trees.

Jewish National Fund (JNF) www.jnf.org

I read in one of the books a question asked of a convert at a beit din was "what in your house would tell me its a Jewish house?"

I find myself still being excited - to get the mezuzahs and scrolls (one at a time - money issues) books on celebrating Purim and a noisemaker, cookbooks and more. Doing the artwork for my tzedakah box, breadboard and tray (plan on woodburning or artwork). Embroidery on the challah cover. The beadwork planned for my east wall is done - just have to get the beads and do the work.

In my answers on the forum I find my answers are shifting - more respectful about G-d. Going back and capitalizing "He," "Him" and such.

I've started saying the Sh'ma morning and night.

Do I believe? It somewhat feels like when I realized that Odin wanted my attention. I didn't want his and fought it.

What's happening to me?

I'm beginning to believe in G-d?

Interesting.

Maybe a good thing.

I know I've come to believe in the religion, people and culture. Maybe I'm kinda inbetween being a Reform and Reconstruction convert.

A marvelous thing today - we went to Vons for some items and found gingerbread cookies on radical sale and also some sugar cookies - Star of David shaped cookies with blue sprinkles. Amazing to find things like that here in the mountains.

Now, if I convert (the desire is still strong). I'll have several "ancestral" homes: the South where I was born, where my family has come from for generations. The South also because of my Indian heritage.

Scotland/England borders - where the family originally came from (with a touch of Viking thrown in)

Now Israel along with the Jewish history and people. The positives and the negatives.

I was remembering a Gregory Peck movie "Gentleman's Agreement" where a reporter told everyone he was Jewish and wrote articles on the anti-semitism he encountered, like "restricted" hotels in NY. Jews couldn't stay in the same hotels as Christians. WTF? What the heck was the justification for that? Matzo ball cravings might be contagious?

I remember an episode of 8 is Enough. One of the girls was dating a doctor named Gold who worked at a Jewish hospital and she thought he was Jewish and she set out to learn about Judaism.

I remember the mini-series Holocaust.

Two of my favorite books: Mila 18 about the Jewish ghetto in WWII Warsaw, Poland and Exodus about the founding of Israel (both by Leon Uris) Another book of his is a favorite as well, Trinity, about the Troubles in Ireland.

Maybe I do have a Jewish soul.

06:01 pm

Israel striking back against Hamas has given the idiots an opening to judge Israel and Jews in general on the forum.

Proverbs
All the brothers of a poor man despise him. How much more is he shunned by friends? 19:7

He who is generous to the poor makes a loan to the Lord, He will repay him his due. 19:17

Wine is a scoffer, stronger drink a roisterer. He who is muddled by them will not grow wise. 20:1

The generous man is blessed, for he gives of his bread to the poor. Expel the scoffer and contention departs, quarrel and contuemly cease. 22:9-10

Do not be of those who guzzle wine or glut themselves on meat. For guzzlers and gluttons will be impoverished and drowsing will clothe you in tatters. 22:20-21

Do not envy evil men, do not desire to be with them. For their hearts talk violence and their lips speak mischief. 24:1-2

Tov lamut be'ad artzaynu
It is good to die for our country
(Josef Trumpeldor - 1880-1920)

Our hope is not yet lost
the hope of 2,000 years
to be a free people in our own land
the land of Zion and Jerusalem
(Hatikvah - the Hope)

"The only thing I cannot forgive the Arabs for is that they forced our sons to kill their sons." Golda Meir

03:27 pm - Last night of Hanukkah

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/wulfbard/Hanukkah-night5.jpg

18 Dec 2009

The last night of Hanukkah.  I find that’s kinda a downbeat.  We’ve decided to open gifts on the 25th.  Yule begins on a Monday and Mom has a doctor appt that day and Jackie works.  Jackie has Friday off so we’ll do it then.

I need to get down to synagogue but we still have 2 weeks to get through and it’s foggy in the mornings.  I am starting my own study of the Tanakh.  I’ve studied the Old Testament but with a definite bias and want to read the Tanakh without the bias.  I doubt I’ll start believing that the creation story and Noah’s Ark is factual but many Jews don’t.

We got a Yule card from John and Bertski wishing us a Happy Yule.

It’s been 2 weeks or more since my last email with Brent asking me to send any inquiries about Heathenism his way, he’s the coordinator for the AFA in the area.  I told him I would only if someone was looking for an organization with a troubling history of intolerance and Neo-Nazi connections.  Haven’t heard from him since.

I’m not really surprised but I am disappointed that John and Albert haven’t said a word since they said they were in shock by my conversion.  No discussion, no questions about my journey to this path and no questions about Judaism.

02:42 pm - Last night of Hanukkah

02:42 pm - Last night of Hanukkah

12:51 pm - Standard response

Why I am not a Christian

I was raised Christian but never seemed to fit in or understand (or believe.) I prayed, I asked, I begged, I tried for 15 years to get some kind of answer in Christianity, to make it fit. I only felt lonely and out of place. The doubts and questions weren't answered logically and I never felt "saved". I never reached the level of belief. I became an adult and kept trying with no success.

I reread the Bible, listened to preachers condemning me and saying AIDS was God’s punishment on homosexuals. I studied the bible, that did it finally. I decided that wasn’t for me. I couldn’t worship the deity in Christianity. I never found the “loving” god so I stopped trying and looked elsewhere. At this point I was alcoholic, a cutter and very depressed. Six months later I found paganism. I was Wiccan for 10 years and that was MUCH closer to what I was looking for but not quite it. Having gods and goddesses made perfect sense to me. Eclectic paganism had been close but not exactly what I was looking for.

I began exploring my ethnic roots (going through Native American traditions, Celtic paganism and then I found Heathenism. From the moment that I picked up a book on Heathenism I knew what I had been missing. I continued reading what little was available (two good ones, a couple of miserable ones) and it was like a lightbulb going on in my head and life. Heathenism sang to my very nature. Everything is questioned until verified or it remains in a nebulous state in the religion.

The Northern deities want followers to live honorably and always question, seeking knowledge and honor the gods, one’s family, one’s friends, one’s ancestors and one’s self. Finding one’s path in life and spirituality is half the task for some these days and mine taken me away from Heathenism and paganism after twenty-seven years.

After 13 years in Heathenism I was in something of a spiritual crisis and felt no connection at all no matter how hard I tried and that lasted for 3 years. The lack of connection and doubts became a physical ache. I wanted the spirituality I had once found back. I wanted my gods back. A lot of the turmoil was the feeling of pushing rocks uphill in trying to get people active in the Kindred or take the initiative.

A year and some months ago I began talking with some of the Jewish members of the forum and discovered that Judaism is a very separate religion from Christianity or Islam. I’ve lightly studied some denominations and religions over the years, but I hadn’t ever studied anything about Judaism. I guess, like most people raised Christian, I thought Judaism was simply “Christianity without Jesus and the NT.” I discovered I was wrong and became curious. The more I studied the more intrigued I became.

It was as if a search-light hit me, not a lightbulb turning on, but a search-light. The more I learned the more it clicked. I read a couple of books and then began a class down in the valley 50 miles away once a week for 16 weeks, plus 4 for a winter break. I did some rune readings and had very strong readings that I should explore Judaism further.

There is a lot to learn just on the surface of Judaism and I felt challenged and enjoyed the learning greatly. I began to feel some of the spirituality that had been missing in my life for so long and the doubts faded. I began attending Friday night Sabbath services night after class and observing Shabbat at home when I couldn’t make it to the synagogue and celebrating the holidays.

Just before heading to a Heathen campout, I visited the old places – a statue of Diana in a park, old trails in the woods, but especially that cliff where I had connected with Odin and Freya so many years ago. I called and found the deities still distant from me. At the campout, I found I enjoyed being with friends, remembering those gone and just being there but it also felt like I was slightly outside of the energy. I still have the knowledge of the gods, the lore and Heathenism but now as an outsider, not as a gythia. I went in search of old ghosts and found my path is elsewhere.

Long story short, about 1 year and a week after I began an Intro to Judaism class, I completed my conversion process on Oct 28th/10 Chevan at a nearby lake. I’m still working out how I relate to G-d, I’m still a bit upset about my childhood and some things that happened when I was a young adult but questioning and even being upset with Him isn’t considered wrong in Judaism. Questioning everything is encouraged and I like that. I found there are similarities between Judaism and Heathenism, both being pretty much tribal religions and cultures.

This has been a good decision for me and I’ve been fortunate that my sister, Mom and friends have been supportive. Some a little confused but supportive, others “saddened” and stating Judaism isn’t for those of my ethnic background. WTF? I’ll stick with people who are open minded and supportive.

Freedom, Tolerance, Boldness/Courage, Self Rule, Moderation, Steadfastness, Generosity/Hospitality, Truth, Equality/Justice, Family Responsibility/ Community, Honor, Strength, Troth/ Loyalty, Self Reliance, Wisdom

12:45 pm - Exchange with former Kindred Member

11 06 2009 from Brent

Hailsa Hunter!

I heard from A#### that you are a recent convert to Judaism. I intend this message to you to be supportive and friendly, not critical. But I felt I must say something, if not to open things up between the two of us as there has been a long silence.

I have deep respect for the Jewish religion, as it, like Asatru, is a religion with deep connections to a culture and people. I would not think to compare it to Christianity or Islam, depsite its obvious historical connections. I personally feel that Judaism is not a religion for people of our folk, but then according to my understanding of Judaism conversion is like adoption. Thus, once you convert to Judaism you are ALWAYS a Jew thereafter. Thus, the argument that it is not the religion of YOUR folk is irrelevant. It is now the religion of your folk as you are now Jewish. Thus I will not even bother to make ridiculous arguments to convince you that it is the wrong religion for you. I know you and obviously it called to you for some reason on a deeper level.

The thing that does concern me is this. A#### mentioned that it was related to your feeling disconnected from the Germanic gods for some period of time. I wonder if this diconnection from the gods may have at least in part been related to your disconnection from our folk. I know that periods where I do not interract much with the folk I lose touch with the gods, which makes sense. The gods and our folk are so deeply entwined and one does not go without the other. I am fortunate to have a strong connection with our folk here in California and elsewhere currently and have never felt closer to our ancestral gods. Thus, in a way, I feel saddened by this news, as I feel that perhaps my actions may have played at least some part in this. Please be aware that Jew or not, I consider you to be one of our Folk and offer you my friendship and kinship. I am sure that if you sought after it the severed ties between yourself and the Heathen community here in California could be healed. But that is your choice to make and it is a matter that is completely separate from your relationship with me, whatever that may turn out to be.

I wish you the best on your new journey and hope that you form the connections you need and desire with your new family and your new god(s). Best of luck to you!

In Frith,
Your Brother,
B####

p.s. - I hope that you do not get upset with Albert informing me of this. I am sure you understand him keeping me informed of how you are doing when he hears from you now and then.

//////////////////////////////

Heilsa B###, my brother;

No, I'm not upset at all with A### letting you know or you responding. I'm a bit under the weather so this first email will be a little short. Nothing is meant by that except that my head feels like it weighs a ton.

A couple of points: it is possible to no longer be considered Jewish - if you convert to a religion with contrasting beliefs: Christianity, Islam, paganism, Heathenism, etc qualifies.

I did keep in touch with Heathens. Yes, it has been nearly a year since we last talked and I've only talked with J and B once in that year. Part of my weariness over the last couple of years was the feeling that I was attempting to push people up a hill, so to speak. I did keep in touch with others and attended the campouts, had people come and spend holidays and odd weekends with us and stayed active on a couple of forums.

I thought that even with screwups and betrayals 4 years ago, I things could work out but found the distance growing. I figured I'd just be something of an agnostic Heathen. I learned that Judaism is very different from Christianity and discovered that it's a very tribal religion that has an absolute joy of learning and questioning everything - something I could relate to as a Heathen.

I did work with other Heathens and did rune readings and had readings done, I was steered to explore my curiosity more.

That led me here.

Others, like you, have assured me I'm still part of the "family" and I'm grateful for that. Being Jewish won't change my history or knowledge about the gods and lore. I'm a Jew of Celt/Saxon/Indian heritage and I don't deny the gods were and are real, my path has diverged in another direction, is all. I still fight for Heathens against oppression by Christians and Muslims and steer newcomers to legitimate information.

More tomorrow or Sunday.

May you be blessed on your path, my friend and give a very big hug to the family!
more later

H

///////////////////////

11 08 2009

Hey there! It was good to hear back from you! I will get back to you when I have some more time... either tomorrow or more likely Tuesday... Busy weekend! Take care and talk to you soon! May you have the blessings of the Gods!

-B####

/////////////////

Hey;

Not sure what to add to what I sent Friday. I hope we can communicate more, maybe answer any questions you have about my journey and about Judaism.

Again - give a big hug to Jill and the kids!

D

////////////////

11 17 2009


Hailsa H###!


"A couple of points: it is possible to no longer be considered Jewish - if you convert to a religion with contrasting beliefs: Christianity, Islam, paganism, Heathenism, etc qualifies."

-You would know more that I would, but in reading about the Jewish culture, my understanding is that once you convert you become part of the culture and while you may change your religion, you remain part of the culture.

"I did keep in touch with Heathens. Yes, it has been nearly a year since we last talked and I've only talked with J and B once in that year. Part of my weariness over the last couple of years was the feeling that I was attempting to push people up a hill, so to speak. I did keep in touch with others and attended the campouts, had people come and spend holidays and odd weekends with us and stayed active on a couple of forums."

-I am glad you have kept contact with our Folk. I was not aware of this as I have primarily been in contact with the AFA and people that attend the Hammer of Thor gatherings (Ostara and Aegir's Feast). It would be great to hear from J###. I have had no contact from either of you for quite some time.

"I thought that even with screwups and betrayals 4 years ago, I things could work out but found the distance growing."

-I am sure that if you approached the individuals involved, these conflicts may still be resolvable. However, that is your choice to make and if you are happy on your current path, then perhaps it is unnecessary.

I figured I'd just be something of an agnostic Heathen. I learned that Judaism is very different from Christianity and discovered that it's a very tribal religion that has an absolute joy of learning and questioning everything - something I could relate to as a Heathen."

-Yes, I find that Judaism is completely different from Christianity and Islam. It is not universalist and is a more culturally based religion. I have a lot of respect for the Jews.

"I did work with other Heathens and did rune readings and had readings done, I was steered to explore my curiosity more. That led me here."

-That is very interesting. Odin works in mysterious ways.

"Others, like you, have assured me I'm still part of the "family" and I'm grateful for that. Being Jewish won't change my history or knowledge about the gods and lore. I'm a Jew of Celt/Saxon/Indian heritage and I don't deny the gods were and are real, my path has diverged in another direction, is all. I still fight for Heathens against oppression by Christians and Muslims and steer newcomers to legitimate information."

-Happy to hear that. I hope you stay in contact in the coming months. By the way, I have recently become a FolkBuilder for the Central California region in the AFA, so you can direct those in our region who are interested in learning more my way. I intend to host pubmoots in the future which will be open to the public.

In Frith,
B###

////////////////

Thank you for the polite response.

No, I wouldn't mind keeping in touch. I welcome questions and discussion.

I will pass along your email to J### but I suspect you'll find she's even less likely to contact others on that side of the fence. She is very happy with the company at other campouts, as are S####, Mom and myself.

Myself, personally, I have no need to "resolve" anything with Steve and a couple of others. I made the decisions I did so I could look at myself in the mirror and retain any sense of honor. That has only intensified with my shift in religions. That includes referring anyone to the AFA that aren't looking specifically looking for a Folkish organization with a history of intolerance. Not looking for a fight but I haven't been impressed since 1992 when I found Heathenism and have watched the AFA all that time.

Off to do some chores.

Be blessed on your path, my friend.

12:38 pm - To Friends

5 November 2009

There hasn’t been a lot of contact during the last year between some members and myself and I find that somewhat telling in my life and for the Kindred.

On a personal level, for nearly 3 years I was in something of a spiritual crisis and felt no connection no matter how hard I prayed and studied. I talked with others in an inter-faith forum on-line and talked with others. I’ve never been one much for prayer but the lack of connection and doubts became a physical ache. I wanted the spirituality I had once found back. I wanted my gods back. A lot of the turmoil was the feeling of pushing rocks uphill in trying to get people active in the Kindred or take the initiative.

A year and some months ago I began talking with some of the Jewish members of the forum and discovered that Judaism is a very separate religion from Christianity or Islam. I’ve lightly studied some denominations and religions over the years, reading the Book of Mormon, the Koran and reading websites on Scientology, for example (those three stick out because I find them particularly ridiculous – personal opinion and bias, I guess). I hadn’t ever studied anything about Judaism. I guess, like most people raised Christian, I thought Judaism was simply “Christianity without Jesus and the NT.” I discovered I was wrong and became curious. The more I studied the more intrigued I became.

It was as if a search-light hit me, not a lightbulb turning on, but a search-light. The more I learned the more it clicked. I read a couple of books and then began a class down in the valley 50 miles away once a week for 16 weeks, plus 4 for a winter break. I did some rune readings and had very strong readings that I should explore Judaism further.

There is a lot to learn just on the surface of Judaism and I felt challenged and enjoyed the learning greatly. I began to feel some of the spirituality that had been missing in my life for so long and the doubts faded. I began attending Friday night Sabbath services night after class and observing Shabbat at home when I couldn’t make it to the synagogue and celebrating the holidays.

Just before heading to Mt. Tam for Ravenwood, I visited the old places – the statue of Diana in Sutro Park, Battery Alexander in the Marin Headlands, especially that cliff where I had connected with Odin and Freya so many years ago. I called and found the deities still distant from me. At Ravenwood, I enjoyed being with friends, remembering those gone and just being there but it also felt like I was slightly outside of the energy. I still have the knowledge of the gods, the lore and Heathenism but now as an outsider, not as a gythia. I went in search of old ghosts and found my path is elsewhere. Heathen friends (including Stewart) have been supportive and still hit me up with questions about the gods and lore.

Long story short, about 1 year and a week after I began an Intro to Judaism class, I completed my conversion process last Wednesday at a nearby lake. I’m still working out how I relate to G-d, I’m still a bit upset about my childhood and some thins that happened when I was a young adult but questioning and even being pissed with Him isn’t considered wrong in Judaism. Questioning everything is encouraged and I like that. One interesting thing that God is neither male or female but has aspects of both.

I found there are similarities between Judaism and Heathenism, both being pretty much tribal religions and cultures.

I know it probably doesn’t make sense but this has been a good decision for me and I’ve been fortunate that Jackie, Mom and friends have been supportive. Some a little confused but supportive. I didn’t say anything before this because I wanted to be sure this was the path I’m called to.

Jackie and Mom remain pagan and Valley Oak Kindred still exists with me as something of a technical advisor with Jackie, Mom and Stewart – with them mostly working as solitaries. My friends remain my friends and I don’t deny the gods were and are real, my path is simply elsewhere now.

Current Mood: hopeful

12:37 pm - AWESOME

10 28 2009 Conversion

It was awesome!

I couldn't sleep because I forgot my meds and really abused my body at the concert. Standing for two hours, pumping my fists and rocking out takes a toll and I was excited. Jackie got off work and I got a muscle relaxer from her at 2am and we were up at 7am.

I had missed dinner the night before, had expended a lot of energy at the concert and not much sleep. I wasn't surprised I couldn't eat much for breakfast. I was excited and nervous. I KNEW I was going to forget the Sh'ma, which I say twice a day. Or that my tongue would get tied saying the prayer at the mikvah. Fortunately, my sister was driving. LOL

We went to the synagogue and met the other woman who was converting, her husband and two witnesses/elders/beit din. We answered a couple of questions and the three important questions, held the Torah (that was absolutely amazing! And heavy!), recited the Sh'ma (all of it) and read a passage from the book of Ruth (my favorite). I was pretty choked up. The other woman, Jill, received the name Shashonah and I received the name Aravah. Then returning the Torah and receiving blessings. The certificates were signed and we went into the office to photocopy them and the secretaries were sitting there in light jackets and looking at us like we were nuts. LOL

Then off to a nearby lake. I wore a t-shirt and had shorts on under my jeans. I pulled off my shoes and jeans and slipped into flip flops. Jill had her suit on under her clothes. We waded into the water a little above the hips.

Man, it was cold! I thought: okay, I can handle this. I've had cold showers before. Then we ducked under the water. Whoa! Okay, that was intense. Repeat the prayer and duck under again. Oh boy, that's a definite shock to the body. Repeat the prayer and dunk again.

Mega-whoa! Slightly dizzy and off balance, head pounding. Time to get out. Jill said she thought she might pass out on the third dunk too. We warmed up a little on the walk back to the car under towels and coats.

I'm kinda glad that it wasn't in the summer and that it was cold and after a major concert. I really had to think and dedicate myself and not take the easy way out and wait for good weather. If that makes sense.

It feels a little odd today, I can now say I'm a Jew. Wow. It also feels like I'm a little calmer inside. Part of that being the life-changing event is passed, part of it is just all of it.

Current Mood: giddy

01:37 pm - One step closer

August 30 2009

I feel like I’m closer to being a full fledged Jew. That’s exciting but also intimidating a bit – what if I’m not worthy. Arguing with “Messianics” on the forum is… interesting and it somehow keeps me focused and determined. To claim they’re Jewish yet holding foreign beliefs – a divine, sacrificed savior, is insulting and not honorable.

I find I want to know more and more so I can represent Judaism and Jews well.

I’ve started a Jewish history class at Aish and continue to work on my East wall embroidery piece. I’m doing a Celtic knot piece around the central design of the shield of Jerusalem with the word “East” in Hebrew and the Magen David. The designs represent me – the knot-work is my ethnic heritage, the rest is my new heritage of Judaism.

I’m excited. I talk with rabbi this week about what comes next in the conversion process. I hope my take-home final was okay.

Current Mood: accomplished

04:48 pm - Meet with Rabbi this week

August 30 2009

I feel like I’m closer to being a full fledged Jew. That’s exciting but also intimidating a bit – what if I’m not worthy. Arguing with “Messianics” on the forum is… interesting and it somehow keeps me focused and determined. To claim they’re Jewish yet holding foreign beliefs – a divine, sacrificed savior, is insulting and not honorable.

I find I want to know more and more so I can represent Judaism and Jews well.

I’ve started a Jewish history class at Aish and continue to work on my East wall embroidery piece. I’m doing a Celtic knot piece around the central design of the shield of Jerusalem with the word “East” in Hebrew and the Magen David. The designs represent me – the knot-work is my ethnic heritage, the rest is my new heritage of Judaism.

I’m excited. I talk with rabbi this week about what comes next in the conversion process. I hope my take-home final was okay.

07:06 pm - Update

I'm doing okay with my continuing studies. My camping trip with my old Heathen friends just.... cemented that I'm on the right path.  For so long it was Heathenism, then the path faded for me. 

I'm excited to continue on the conversion path to Judaism. I felt an incredible sense of "wow" yesterday that I might actually join Judaism.  Not sure I can describe it.

04:50 pm - Waiting

Waiting to hear from rabbi about my take-home final. Definitely can't afford gas to go to synagogue but Jackie is helping with that so I might go down this Friday or next Friday, especially with her air conditioned car.

I got a new Jewish book: Jewish Holiday Style - crafts and recipes for Jewish holidays and wonderful descriptions of what happens each holiday and what they're about. That'll help give Mom an overview.

Did you know that a mezuzah will get rid of some bible thumpers coming to your door? 

"This is a Jewish house and we're very happy with our religion, thank you."

"Oh, well G-d bless you!"

Awesome

02:52 pm - Update

I met with Rabbi before going off camping.  I turned in my take-home final and handed over my Judaism journal, which I post here.  Glancing through he thinks I'm on a good track with the answers.  He was tied up until after the 11th so now I'm waiting for him to weed through my answers and my journal and then we'll get together and figure where I go from here.  Probably some one-on-one with him or referral to the rabbinical court // crossed fingers //

I went camping with Heathens, our annual outing.  I went early and hit the old places - the cliff where I saw the hawk and raven when I challenged the gods.  Where I connected with Odin and Freya.  I went up on the cliff and felt nothing but empty.  I hit old sights and felt empty and sad.

I enjoyed the camping and seeing old friends and catching up with everyone but felt a little like an outsider.  That was okay though.  I still have the knowledge and that is my heritage but it's no longer my religion.

No more doubts.  Judaism - full steam ahead.

Can't get down to Fresno because of the heat and some VERY bad news on this end.  Mom's Workman's Comp has run out and there's no court date.  We're going to try and get in to see the lawyer and threaten them.  8 years with no results is not good.

11:26 am

06 09 2009

Things are all right on this end - some health stuff (nothing serious, pulled muscles, menopause, flu, etc) and weird weather but we're holding steady.  I'm not going to house-sit for my cousin (which spares me an overload of Christianity this month) so I have more time to weed whack the meadow down out back and do it a little more slowly.

My rabbi is in New Orleans this week so I'm going to try and meet with him next week about the one question I can't quite get a handle on with the take-home final.  Discuss stuff with him, turn in my Judaism journal and move to the next step. The one problem giving me fits is prayer.  It's not something I've done easily and its not something I've done in YEARS.  As a Heathen, I somewhat viewed the gods as - well, they check in occasionally, throw challenges at people, lend a little help but most of the time, you're on your own.  During blots (rituals, celebrations), it was about honoring the deities and folk, not about asking for things.  I do the Sh'ma and rising prayer daily and general prayer before eating and having to work on the other prayers.  Writing about the structure of prayers, the services at synagogue, why prayer is important, why a minyan is important, etc, is a struggle right now.  Another problem is I have difficulty memorizing things and I'm wigged about memorizing prayers for the mikvah. Ever since I whacked my head badly in the Marine Corps, its difficult to memorize things.  One reason I make lists.  I have the Sh'ma (in Hebrew, transliteration and English) posted on my wall.  I've got the first line memorized after all these months but that's it.  Not sure how to get over that.  I have a mental computer bank of trivia nonsense but memorizing is difficult.

I'm still excited, nervous and working it.  Studying Torah is still a struggle - I think there is a LOT of hangover from Christianity and anti-Christian bent on my part.  I've approached the bible with more than a critical eye for so long, I'm just now seeing some of the beauty, if that makes sense.

Current Mood: tired

01:18 pm

Going to work on one of the last 2 questions today and catching up on emails and stuff.

I'm definitely seeing the wisdom in a day of rest.

01:04 pm

Shabbat Shalom

Pretty tired after the trip and then driving to Fresno and back.

Not sure if we can afford Nevada but going to check it out.  There's a Reform synagogue in Henderson, Las Vegas and Reno.

The visit went well with Lee and family, thankfully.  I had the impression that they were curious about what religious views we might have but were afraid to ask for fear of disagreeing.

Good call.

12:59 pm

Did 2 hours of yard work and did the meeting with Lou and Bob from the MCL.  Couldn't do it Saturday because that's my day of rest and they won't do it Sundays.  Came home and packed.

Got up a little after 4am and took a shower and we hit the road.  5:10am - 1:20 North Fork to Reno.  Not bad with stops for breakfast, stretch breaks and a few minutes at the Donner Museum.

A little nervous about seeing my stepbrother, it's been decades.  Now he's a Pentecostal Christian and I'm becoming Jewish.

I'm kind of hoping we won't spend a lot of time with Lee and family.  I'm nervous and hurting badly.

12:53 pm

Went to Wal-Mart and got some underwear and t-shirt so I'd be a little more comfortable.  I already had some shampoo and other things here (and I had packed my toothbrush and paste).

A day of rest really helped.

I should have packed the Tanakh and prayer book.  Working up cue cards for the prayers just might work as well.

Another day at Jackie's and it'll be another day of rest.  Too hot to go out and do anything and this coming week is going to be hard.

Monday - take Jackie to the airport and go home.  Pick up check and go to deposit the check.
Tuesday - yard work
Wednesday - drive to Reno and see Lee and family.  Stay at a hotel.
Thursday - drive home
Friday - pick up Jackie at airport, go home or stay for synagogue - probably be too exhausted and need to go home.

It's been interesting on the forum - several people expressing an interest in converting to Judaism.